This past Friday, I had my bi-weekly therapy session. I was talking about feeling like an ass for choosing not to continue dating this person I matched with. We tried to unravel why that was. People get rejected after dates all the time. In the end it boiled down to me not feeling like I had the right to reject someone because, as I put it, "I don't get that many chances". At this point my therapist raised his voice and said one of the truest things I've ever been told: "It's not that get fewer chances, Jesper. You TAKE fewer chances!". He talked about my history with women and how I've only really been interested in two over the last few years. The girl I chose to stop dating being one of them. So technically just one. And it's not because I don't want it. It's because I don't even try. I made sure to write this down and I've read it once a day since. As a reminder. A reminder to try.
And it's slowly making its way through my rather thick skull. I had a bad day today. I'm attending a python conference this week. To further my skills. Today and tomorrow are focused on more hands on learning before we move in to the traditional talks for the rest of the week. Sounds fun, right? I thought so too. There was one session focused on algorithmic trading, which I find fascinating. But then I get the training examples and realise that there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to complete these in the allotted time. No one else seemed to struggle (I'm sure some did though). I felt like everyone else was on top of their shit and that I didn't belong. And what do I do? Do I ask for help? Button down and work my ass off? Nope. I make up a story about a work emergency and sneak out before we show off what we've done. Been feeling kind of down in the dumps ever since.
Until about 20 minutes ago, that is. That's when the quote came back to me. "It's not that get fewer chances, Jesper. You TAKE fewer chances!". By not asking for help I'm just laying down and accepting my fate. I have this defeatist mindset that holds me back from any semblance of success in so many parts of my life. And you know what's funny? I HATE people with this mindset. I think it's lazy and cowardly. Yet here I am, doing the thing I hate.
But you know what? Today was the last time using that crutch. This may be overly dramatic but from here on in, I'm going to fight. And not in the traditional "I alone stand strong" kind of way. I'm going to use the resources I have available to me. I'll show weakness when needed. Because that's real strength.