"Go fuck yourself, Kasio."
"No, wait, don't go, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it-"
While most of my BPD symptoms have gotten vastly worse as I've grown older, one thing that has improved for some unknown reason is the splitting.
A split in the BPD sense is when you can't see people and things in shades of grey, instead viewing everything in black and white. In my vernacular, I use it to mean when I'm having a perfectly fine day and in a decent mood when all of the sudden, someone says or does something that rubs me the wrong way and I absolutely go ballistic. And it doesn't even have to be an actual event, it can be what I perceive to be a slight or similar. I get super fucking angry. I think that whoever caused it is the worst person on earth. I say truly horrible things to them. I even did it to a mod on here back in 2017 (I really am sorry KwarK and anyone else I did that to on here, I didn't mean what I said).
After a split, I tend to feel utterly despondent. I feel like I can't control myself and that I'm a horrible person for doing that to someone when there was an infinitesimal chance that they deserved it.
The good news is, somehow, I was able to get a grip on my splitting without needing any extra help or therapy and haven't done any splitting on anyone in over three years (to the best of my knowledge).
The bad news is, I burned my relationships with over a dozen of my friends.
In elementary school, I had two friends. One of them, my closest friend, meant a lot to me. She was great and cared about me quite a bit, and she was my only positive memory from those five years. We lost contact when she moved but reconnected in 2010 when I was a sophomore in high school. I was happy to have her as a friend again.
And then one day, I split on her. Why it happened has been lost to time. After coming down from my anger, I sent a lengthy apology message to her and never got a response.
Similar incidents happened with twelve other people during my high school and college days. My modus operandi for the first few people I split on was to send them truly heartfelt messages apologizing for my actions. At the time, I had no idea why I split on them. I didn't have the knowledge and terminology I do now. Maybe if I had known that I had BPD, it would've been better explained.
I could not repair the relationships with them.
The more it happened, my MO shifted to just severing all communication with them. It was super fucking awkward when it was my direct classmates that I saw day in and day out at school. It only took 13 destroyed relationships for me to finally get it under control.
Better late than never!