In my previous attempts I've written about what I've seen as a common thread in my "dream job" choices through my life. I've wanted to be a doctor (hilarious as I have a phobia of needles), a journalist, and "something in the tech industry". All with the goal of making the world a better place. I ended every piece with saying how I'm disappointed at myself and the progess I've made towards that goal. Even going so far as asking myself if "making the world a better place" is a childish dream that I should let go off. I was way more verbose than that but that's the gist of my previous attempts.
I wasn't happy with any of my previous attempts and I couldn't figure out why. And I think I have it now. It's not about me giving up on my dreams it has to do with motivation. The one common factor all my previous drafts had in common was that I talked about distractions. How I choose to use Netflix, Youtube, TikTok, or whatever else to distract myself. My view is pretty well represented in this quote from South Park:
"Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but, well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored, and it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything."
I've always liked that quote but I haven't really thought about it. It's not about the weed, in the case of the quote above. It's not about the distraction itself. It's what the distraction provides you with: it's an un-motivator. To be dramatic: it keeps you subdued. So instead of swearing off said websites and apps, maybe I need to figure out why I don't have the motivation to spend a couple of hours every week working on something that can make the world a better place. I have no grandiose dreams of fundamentally changing the world. But I wish that I could have an impact that helps others. Even if it's a small subset of people. I'm not a builder, so I can't take a sabbatical to go build houses in a third world country. I'm not a scientist so it's highly unlikely I'll help advance human knowledge. But I have other skills. Plenty of other skills. Skills that, with some honing, could make a small difference. But I don't do that.
So now I have the answer to one question: why do I distract myself? Unfortunately it's resulted in me being left with an even bigger question: why am I not motivated? And for that I don't have an answer. Yet.
If I were a better writer, I'd leave you there. It's a good ending. But I can't help myself. I need to pose more questions: is motivation really that important? Should I just "work through this" and assume that the motivation will follow? Is it more about discipline than motivation? Is it a case of "Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard." but replacing "talent" with "motivation"?