Despite all of the hardships that being trans has brought me, it's still the best thing that's ever happened to me. It was my lifeline when I had given up on everything and had resigned myself to either suicide or living the rest of my natural days as a vacant husk of a person. It was the thing that gave me a purpose in life and a reason to lilve after never having one before. I'm thankful everyday to be alive.
Unfortunately, I can't start from scratch.
I spent 23 years of my life not living it the way I wanted it to in any way. I was lying to myself and to everyone else. My personality back then was fake, mainly being an amalgamation of different people in my life so that I could try to make it through the day without being clocked as different. Nowadays, I'm so disconnected from who that person was, it's like those memories belonged to someone else completely and that the me I know now didn't come into existence until last year. I guess I should be grateful that I finally get to be myself and to reinvent who I am.
I recently picked up the game If Found... because of the recommendation of quite a few of my Twitter friends, and it quickly became my most favorite game of all time, finally bumping Brood War out of #1 after 20 years. It tells the story of Kasio during December 1993, being with her friends and coming of age before deciding to erase her past. I resonated extremely hard with her, given that we're both trans and it's not too often that I get to see trans people depicted in games. Her name is so good that I now use it for myself.
If I could erase my past, I would do so in a heartbeat. If I could somehow wipe the memories that I and everyone else has of me from 1996 to 2019, I would. Of coourse, that can't be done, which is very disheartening.
I've been trying to figure out my true self. What I want to do. What I like and don't like. What I believe. Every day is different now and I've started slowly letting go of the past. All those things that I did and didn't do. All the years of emotional pain and misery. Unfortunately, that means there may be some things that I used to absolutely love that just no longer interest me like they used to, or that I find out just how awful some things are. One of those things is the Dota 2 pro scene. I spent the majority of last decade watching all of the tournaments, following all the drama, the roster swaps, and whatnot. It was good at the time, but now I am disgusted by everything coming out. I knew it was bad, I had heard the rumors, but seeing everyone come forward just shows that the cancer in the pro scene is nearly unfixable in its depth. It's extremely horrible knowing all of this happened, but I guess all "good" things must come to an end. Am I sure that I want to quit Dota 2? Yes, I am.
I don't even come here much often anymore as real life has been busy. I don't know if that's going to change in the future. In case it doesn't, I wanted to share my appreciation to everyone on this site for the past ten years. It truly was a good time and I have some enjoyable memories posting in LR threads for OSLs, GSLs, LoL WCs, TIs, and numerous other tournaments that have happened. Thank you all for that.
I'm hoping that going forward, I can become a full-time screenwriter. I have a lot of stories I want to tell (currently around 70) and I hope that my screenplay I submitted to festivals gets positive fedback and maybe even becomes a finalist. I found out on the 15th, so here's to that. But if not, I plan on refining my stories and sharing them online. I'm shooting high with my dream of winning an Oscar or Cannes award for best original screenplay one day. Fingers crossed that it comes true.
If found... please return.