The last time I did one of these I tried to time it with the Dota 2 pro season, but things have changed a lot this year. For starters, I spent a year abroad in Sweden and I have a long overdue blog based on that. I also quit Dota multiple times and significantly reduced my playtime, or really any time at all, that finally resulted in me making up my mind to quit Dota entirely with the new and drastic patch. I cannot say at the moment how this will affect what I have done so far for this website and this community, but I can at least guarantee I will remain an active member of GD as I always have tried to be.
To avoid dragging this out for some, especially for many who may be aware of my painstakingly verbose and overly long written works, I have provided a quick TLDR in this spoiler below.
+ Show Spoiler +
TLDR: Life happened, I quit Dota, I went off Discord, I had my ups and downs, now I’m grinding job applications and hoping I make it.
I think, in one fell swoop, I have experienced both the best and the worst year of my life so far. That is really what 2018-19 has been for me, stretching from when I last blogged.
Part One: Friends
In the latter months of 2018, I believe I found myself one of my best friend groups to date. It’s a peculiar group of seven and it really drove home the point that someone with 7k MMR may well be 2k at life. I know he will not take kindly to that statement but he also knows it is mostly said in jest.
I learned that someone who appears to have his life mostly in order does not actually have it in order at all. Perhaps this person will think me rude but I also think that he understands I’m not entirely wrong.
I am a rather judgmental individual, I suppose. The third is an Albanian high-school kid that I have seen grow from a relatively timid and quiet individual to a more refined adolescent over the last few years. He’s become a snide little ass, but I remember that I was one too, and it makes me a hypocrite.
The fourth, some insane Swede who claims to sleep two hours a night, drinks gallons of coffee, and probably smokes enough a day to die by 30.
The fifth is a Mozambican lad studying game development in Finland. He’s more irritable than he thinks he is, and sometimes harsh words fly around but at heart he’s just trying to do his best at life.
The sixth was my best friend, and sadly is someone I have drifted apart from over the last nine months. A quirky, witty, and blunt individual with strong opinions and an unfortunate myriad of health issues. It’s unfortunate that we drifted apart but I say fret not if fate would have it so. I believe such friendships can eventually be repaired over long periods of time.
And I am the seventh. This group of friends brought me immense joy and perhaps I’m too sentimental for them, but what the hell. They’re perfect for having fun and forgetting about the worries of the world.
With them, I learned what it really meant to have fun playing with friends. We played Maplestory 2 like idiots from dusk to dawn. We played Dota 2 in between. We played UNO and cried from laughter. We played Stardew Valley and FFXIV while intentionally griefing each other.
Attending ESL One Hamburg with these guys was a lot more fun and enjoyable than it seems in hindsight. They’re great for living in the moment with.
It is my hope that one day we may all come together again and enjoy the camaraderie and the gaming fervour we once shared.
I learned that someone who appears to have his life mostly in order does not actually have it in order at all. Perhaps this person will think me rude but I also think that he understands I’m not entirely wrong.
I am a rather judgmental individual, I suppose. The third is an Albanian high-school kid that I have seen grow from a relatively timid and quiet individual to a more refined adolescent over the last few years. He’s become a snide little ass, but I remember that I was one too, and it makes me a hypocrite.
The fourth, some insane Swede who claims to sleep two hours a night, drinks gallons of coffee, and probably smokes enough a day to die by 30.
The fifth is a Mozambican lad studying game development in Finland. He’s more irritable than he thinks he is, and sometimes harsh words fly around but at heart he’s just trying to do his best at life.
The sixth was my best friend, and sadly is someone I have drifted apart from over the last nine months. A quirky, witty, and blunt individual with strong opinions and an unfortunate myriad of health issues. It’s unfortunate that we drifted apart but I say fret not if fate would have it so. I believe such friendships can eventually be repaired over long periods of time.
And I am the seventh. This group of friends brought me immense joy and perhaps I’m too sentimental for them, but what the hell. They’re perfect for having fun and forgetting about the worries of the world.
With them, I learned what it really meant to have fun playing with friends. We played Maplestory 2 like idiots from dusk to dawn. We played Dota 2 in between. We played UNO and cried from laughter. We played Stardew Valley and FFXIV while intentionally griefing each other.
Attending ESL One Hamburg with these guys was a lot more fun and enjoyable than it seems in hindsight. They’re great for living in the moment with.
It is my hope that one day we may all come together again and enjoy the camaraderie and the gaming fervour we once shared.
Part Two: Love
I am not very open about romance. It’s not something I’m terribly experienced with nor something I’m proud of. This year, I had the thrill of it all. I enjoyed a relationship, and I crumbled through heartbreak. It died almost too soon when compared with the time it took in coming to fruition.
I am long past grieving this loss, but sometimes I do still wonder if things were done differently, we would still be together. I also wonder sometimes if we might find each other again in the future, but it doesn’t do well to dwell on it.
It has taken quite a long time to move on, and I have made my attempts to reconcile and at least rebuild and maintain a friendship. After all, it was no angry parting. It was simply a sad and unfortunate result.
Some people say you should think of the happy memories and let the rest go, but really I think that’s counterintuitive. Frankly, everyone is different, and it may work for some, but not for me.
To the person that once considered me their other half, I can only say thank you for having considered me so highly at one point, and thank you for letting me experience a loving relationship, brief as it was. It truly made me happy while it lasted.
I am long past grieving this loss, but sometimes I do still wonder if things were done differently, we would still be together. I also wonder sometimes if we might find each other again in the future, but it doesn’t do well to dwell on it.
It has taken quite a long time to move on, and I have made my attempts to reconcile and at least rebuild and maintain a friendship. After all, it was no angry parting. It was simply a sad and unfortunate result.
Some people say you should think of the happy memories and let the rest go, but really I think that’s counterintuitive. Frankly, everyone is different, and it may work for some, but not for me.
To the person that once considered me their other half, I can only say thank you for having considered me so highly at one point, and thank you for letting me experience a loving relationship, brief as it was. It truly made me happy while it lasted.
Part Three: Close Friends
I mentioned friends earlier, but I think that close friends, for me, truly takes it to another level. In each person’s life, I think that there’s only a handful of people you can really come to call close friends.
For me, these people are the ones who really came through when I needed them. The ones who listened and responded without fretting. The ones who bothered to ask how I was doing. The ones who easily take my mind off the troubles that plague me so.
Some of them participated in hours-long discussions with me about overly abstract topics. Some of them simply answered my call and gone out with me when I was down. Some of them knew when their mere company and a calming silence fit me best.
To these people, I thank you for keeping me connected from the rut.
For me, these people are the ones who really came through when I needed them. The ones who listened and responded without fretting. The ones who bothered to ask how I was doing. The ones who easily take my mind off the troubles that plague me so.
Some of them participated in hours-long discussions with me about overly abstract topics. Some of them simply answered my call and gone out with me when I was down. Some of them knew when their mere company and a calming silence fit me best.
To these people, I thank you for keeping me connected from the rut.
Part Four: Community
I wish I could make some sort of terrible pun or joke about the comedy show but instead I really just want to give a shoutout to the communities to which I belong.
To GD: Thanks for always being around and talking about trivial and serious issues alike. Maybe it’s in human nature as social beings, but it’s always nice to hear about how others are doing and their opinions on current affairs.
To LD Staff: I apologise that I haven’t really been doing anything at all this year. Everyone’s gotten busy with their lives and I’m sure we’re struggling more than any of us care to openly admit.
To those I know from Discord: Thanks for putting up with my shit. I hope my increasingly frequent and extended breaks haven’t extinguished me from your memories. Plenty of you are moronic assholes but just as many are decent, well-meaning people.
To the wider Dota 2 community: Thanks for being what you are. There are despicable parts and loveable parts alike. Be less racist and more tolerant in the future. Life is so much better when you’re not spewing hatred and creating toxic atmospheres. Learn to agree and disagree. I had a great time at ESL One Hamburg 2018 and ESL One Birmingham this year. Remember that behind every username, behind every pro player and personality is another human being fundamentally no different from yourself.
To GD: Thanks for always being around and talking about trivial and serious issues alike. Maybe it’s in human nature as social beings, but it’s always nice to hear about how others are doing and their opinions on current affairs.
To LD Staff: I apologise that I haven’t really been doing anything at all this year. Everyone’s gotten busy with their lives and I’m sure we’re struggling more than any of us care to openly admit.
To those I know from Discord: Thanks for putting up with my shit. I hope my increasingly frequent and extended breaks haven’t extinguished me from your memories. Plenty of you are moronic assholes but just as many are decent, well-meaning people.
To the wider Dota 2 community: Thanks for being what you are. There are despicable parts and loveable parts alike. Be less racist and more tolerant in the future. Life is so much better when you’re not spewing hatred and creating toxic atmospheres. Learn to agree and disagree. I had a great time at ESL One Hamburg 2018 and ESL One Birmingham this year. Remember that behind every username, behind every pro player and personality is another human being fundamentally no different from yourself.
Part Five: Mental Health
I started cognitive behavioural therapy in 2018 in Sweden. Five sessions free, approx €80 for any sessions thereafter. It seemed enough in the short-term. I tried again when I came back to Glasgow. I was given five sessions for CBT again. Too little for substantive change.
Perhaps one day I will both find time and find it in me to get longer term mental healthcare that ought to prove more effective. For now though, it would appear that the needs of real life have taken my mind off my issues, haunting me only every now and then as I try to fall asleep.
Still, this is merely another part of life to me, and I believe that while it has built up over time, and will build up further in the future, now might not be the time. I am certain that the opportune time will show itself.
I urge anyone out there who struggles, go and seek help. It may not help much in substance, but it will help to know for sure that help is available. It’s difficult to find a suitable therapist but from all that I’ve heard, I’m sure that once you find one, improvement is well on its way.
For now, I struggle mainly with the fear of failure. A psychological issue more than anything else, and one that I must overcome to succeed.
Perhaps one day I will both find time and find it in me to get longer term mental healthcare that ought to prove more effective. For now though, it would appear that the needs of real life have taken my mind off my issues, haunting me only every now and then as I try to fall asleep.
Still, this is merely another part of life to me, and I believe that while it has built up over time, and will build up further in the future, now might not be the time. I am certain that the opportune time will show itself.
I urge anyone out there who struggles, go and seek help. It may not help much in substance, but it will help to know for sure that help is available. It’s difficult to find a suitable therapist but from all that I’ve heard, I’m sure that once you find one, improvement is well on its way.
For now, I struggle mainly with the fear of failure. A psychological issue more than anything else, and one that I must overcome to succeed.
Part Six: Life
So there are those that know I am one of those morons that studies law. Yes, I just did that, as any stereotypical law student would. I just “I’M A LAW STUDENT” ‘d you who are reading this.
I thought before that I would like to become a bit of an academic and eventually go into the International Criminal Court or the International Court of Justice. I don’t think that’s happening anymore. Reality hit me and I’ve made up my mind to go into corporate law.
For anyone who doesn’t know anything about corporate lawyers, I feel as if I am selling my soul, and no doubt that is a common perception of corporate lawyers. That is, people who have sold their souls. There’s a lot of money to be made and I’m no longer ashamed to say that I’m doing it for money. Yet at the same time, there’s plenty of work and fun to be had.
I had a wake-up call in October. I realised that my life wasn’t really progressing well and I needed to turn it around. Since then, I have attended over 12 events and conferences on corporate law and law firms across London and Scotland. I have been grinding at firm applications to secure a training contract, and the grind is far from over.
Perhaps I will be able to secure something this year, but I may also not. It would be unfortunate, but I’m learning to have little or no regrets. I’m trying to properly adopt a growth mindset.
To that end, I think quitting Dota 2 could have come at a better time, but I am grateful it did not come later. I also decided to take a break off Discord and most distractions until I secure a training contract this year. For that, I can only apologise to anyone who does miss my presence.
More than ever though, I think now is the time when I really have to focus on perfecting things. These next six months are the last spurt of my undergraduate degree, and I hope that by then, I can proudly say that I have secured a training contract at a major international firm with enviable entry-level paychecks. After all, I will have likely applied to over 40 firms by then.
Wish me luck!
I thought before that I would like to become a bit of an academic and eventually go into the International Criminal Court or the International Court of Justice. I don’t think that’s happening anymore. Reality hit me and I’ve made up my mind to go into corporate law.
For anyone who doesn’t know anything about corporate lawyers, I feel as if I am selling my soul, and no doubt that is a common perception of corporate lawyers. That is, people who have sold their souls. There’s a lot of money to be made and I’m no longer ashamed to say that I’m doing it for money. Yet at the same time, there’s plenty of work and fun to be had.
I had a wake-up call in October. I realised that my life wasn’t really progressing well and I needed to turn it around. Since then, I have attended over 12 events and conferences on corporate law and law firms across London and Scotland. I have been grinding at firm applications to secure a training contract, and the grind is far from over.
Perhaps I will be able to secure something this year, but I may also not. It would be unfortunate, but I’m learning to have little or no regrets. I’m trying to properly adopt a growth mindset.
To that end, I think quitting Dota 2 could have come at a better time, but I am grateful it did not come later. I also decided to take a break off Discord and most distractions until I secure a training contract this year. For that, I can only apologise to anyone who does miss my presence.
More than ever though, I think now is the time when I really have to focus on perfecting things. These next six months are the last spurt of my undergraduate degree, and I hope that by then, I can proudly say that I have secured a training contract at a major international firm with enviable entry-level paychecks. After all, I will have likely applied to over 40 firms by then.
Wish me luck!
That roughly concludes everything I had to say. I may finish my blog on living abroad in Sweden at some point, and I will make sure to let people know when it’s finished but it will remain on hold as it has thus far.
I’d also like to leave a few very public shoutouts of appreciation.
Special shoutout to Pat who definitely overworks himself between LD and TLPro. Thanks for always looking out for us and saying “okay” or “no worries” when things cannot be taken on or have to be dropped. Perhaps one day we will finish that “Strength of SEA” article. I hope to see you and ensure you get drunk in July.
Shoutout to Jesper for always lending an ear and providing support when asked. It really makes a difference to me to know that there is someone out there I can rely on for honest opinions and assistance when needed. I’m glad things are looking up for you and I hope they continue in that trajectory. Also thanks for helping with formatting xd
Shoutout to Artisreal for the only good vegan food I’ve had so far. It was great to meet you in September. I’m sure you’ll pull through the struggles of work.
Shoutout to Joachim and Mikel for remaining great and reliable friends all this time. I remain encouraged knowing that you’re my friends and that we’re able to spontaneously get together like we did in July this year.
Shoutout to Sietse for always listening and taking my mind off some of the worst things. Thanks for always bringing a funnier light to the horrific situation that is Brexit, Trump, and wider politics.
Shoutout to Rarras for some of the most peaceful days I’ve had all year. You live in a small and remote town, but a tranquil and relaxing one.
Shoutout to Shift for reminding me that we remain good friends even through my extended absences on Discord. I’m certain we will both find something in our grinds for a job.
Shoutout to Manuel for discussing anything I’d like to discuss on a whim. Thanks for the book and for posting new classical pieces and words everyday. Still looking forward to the day we meet.
Shoutout to Shaq for being just a great friend. Dota’s always been fun with you despite the massive gap in our skill levels and meeting you was awkward as hell, but I’m glad that we’re able to discuss anime while agreeing to disagree.
Shoutout to Elpieee for being a really chill friend with whom I have genuinely enjoyed playing Dota. It’s really nice that we’re able to discuss trivial and important matters alike. Life’s difficult right now but I’m confident you’ll pull through with time. It’s a struggle but hang in there and take it one step at a time buddy.
Lastly, a huge shoutout to everyone else. I believe I am a kind person at heart and that I don’t forget those who have helped me a lot, but listing everyone would leave a terribly long list of shoutouts. I have needed help and help has been given, I think that suffices. I would just like those who have helped to know that I remember them and that I am grateful.
P.S. A bit of lawyerly advice for the 2020 that's been in circulation. When you date things, write the full year 2020 (e.g. 01/01/2020) so that it can't be altered (e.g. 01/01/2016).
Happy New Year!