High school was rough for a lot of reasons. Even though I somehow managed to gain dozens of friends (or at least people that were cool with me), I couldn't make things progress with any of them in terms of romance, which kept my self-esteem at a minuscule level. You know, typical teenage stuff, but trying to process these emotions was hard for me.
I went to college 2000 miles from home to study biomedical engineering and find a cure for the acute leukemia that killed KT_Violet, but quickly learned that I was not prepared in any way for college, since I could just breeze through my high school classes. My grades were shit, which caused my depression to get worse, and after just two months, I dropped out. Looking back on it now, it was for the best, as if I had stayed, I would be over $100,000 in debt with student loans. I went to a much cheaper college close to my parents' home and managed to grind my way through it and got my Bachelor's. The journey nearly ended multiple times.
My sophomore year of college, one of my friends from high school committed suicide. We had both dropped out of our first college around the same time and, even though I knew about what he was going through, I was too depressed to reach out. That decision to not reach out haunts me to this day, but I've finally forgiven myself for it and have learned to live with it.
After years of failure, I finally managed to get into a relationship with someone in November 2016. Looking back on it now, it is actually insane just how many red flags there were with her that I just didn't have the knowledge or experience to recognize. She would frequently spend my money, tell me that my friends and family were awful people, and insult and belittle me. If I ever told her that what she said was hurting me, she would insult me even more for getting upset. This, in combination with a sleep disorder that was progressively getting worse, caused me to try to commit suicide in September 2017. I ended up calling 911 and was put in a psychiatric hospital for a week. When I got out, I made the decision to break up with her, as nearly everyone at the hospital recommended it. So I tried to, and she said three things that I will never forget. One, that my friends were only my friends because they didn't have to put up with me on a daily basis, and two, that I was going to never find anyone that would love me. I am saving the third for later. Because of her statements, my depression spiraled out of the control and I withdrew from everyone outside of work, family, and her. I can count on one hand the number of my old friends I spoke to in 2018. It got so bad that I was literally incapable of feeling any emotions. Finally, in March of this year, we broke up and my life improved in every possible way. So, how did I finally conquer my depression that, while certainly made worse by my ex, has been one of the most prevalent things in my life? I'll provide some backstory on it. I know this is only going to apply to a very small part of the population, unfortunately. Time for the big reveal!
I am a transgender woman. I know it's not Pride month anymore, but fuck it, this is who I am.
Gender dysphoria is a motherfucker. Feeling like you are in the wrong body constantly is absolutely like hell on earth. It's even worse (at least, to me) when you've had these feelings for literally as long as you can remember, all the way back to early childhood, and don't have proper knowledge about what this awful, confusing feeling you feel all the time even is, especially when you find out that, much to your surprise, the vast majority of people don't pray to God every night to wake up as the opposite gender, which I did every night for three years, from the ages of 5-8. I didn't even know what being transgender was, or that it was even a thing, until 2012, I was 16. Once I found that out, even though I didn't know it at the time, my life changed forever.
Fast-forward back to 2017 after I got back from the hospital. The third thing my girlfriend said to me was that my friends would only support my transition because they were too scared of being called transphobic. This led me to repress any thoughts of me transitioning until March of this year. So, when I finally told her that I was going to transition, she broke up with me, thank God.
Last month, I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). These pills are literally magic. For the first time in my life, I'm actually extremely happy, genuinely happy, nearly all the time. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not in a perpetually good mood and I even sometimes get overwhelmed with just how real this is now, but in a good way. My friends say that I'm smiling nearly all the time, that my eyes shine brighter, and that I have a glow about me now. I'm extremely optimistic about my future now, also for the first time in my life.
I've finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel. It may have taken 23 years, but it's made me into the person I am today, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
So, allow me to introduce myself, properly this time. I am Kira, and it's a pleasure to meet you all as the real me. My name is not a reference to Death Note, I actually picked it out in early 2003 when I heard it mentioned somewhere and thought it was especially beautiful.