I've been continuing therapy, not that quitting was ever an option, and have made quite a bit of progress. At least in getting to know myself and challenging my bad thoughts. Not gonna lie, the start was kind of rocky as I don't normally just trust people, ever. So while I didn't outright lie to my therapist in the beginning, I censored myself. But as the sessions have gone on I've started opening up. I'm now at a point where I can talk about things I'm outright ashamed for. Mostly negative feelings I feel like I have no right having. And part of why I've been able to open up is that I've taken control of the sessions. In my day-to-day life, outside of work, I'm not very assertive. I try not to step on toes or even risk making anyone feel bad but in my third session I actually brought up the fact that I need goals to work towards. I don't do well in a setting where there isn't a goal set up. The goal doesn't have to be strictly defined but I need to have one. So we worked that into therapy. At the end of each session we now set up a goal for the upcoming week and this has made a huge difference for me. When I walk out of therapy I feel so much better. The sun isn't brighter but everything seems more colorful. My steps are light and quick. I smile and music just sounds better.
Quick, semi-related, side-story before we continue: I'm usually the first one into the office. Usually by an hour or two. I also, usually, listen to music while I walk into the office so after I've closed the door behind me I do a little dance. It's nothing crazy but I basically just move to the music for a minute or two. It gets my mood up and I like dancing, even though I'm not confident enough to do it in public. That's why I do it in the office, cause I'm alone. Or well... I'm usually alone. A few weeks back our cleaning lady walked in on me dancing (I forgot it was cleaning day) but that's a story for another time. ANYWAY after therapy I have a 5 minute walk to the bus to get back home. I wouldn't say I dance on the way there but there's definitely some rhythmic walking, with a few sidesteps and slides. That's how I feel now.
Still, I have plenty of issues to work out. The most annoying one right now is the... civil war taking place in my mind. I don't know how else to describe it. The goals we set up in therapy is great but they've also made me realize how much I needed help. One example was the goal for last week. This might not make sense but I really don't want to say too much as I don't have this persons permission to talk about the nature of the situation. So I wanted to ask a friend a question but I had gotten into this negative thought pattern where I had convinced myself that asking wasn't appropriate. That I'd seem... I don't know... possessive? That it was out of line, basically. I brought it up in therapy and we agreed that my goal for the week would be to just ask the question. Which I did. And it wasn't out of line. It wasn't even a big question, in retrospect. But breaking that negative thought spiral gave me a huge high. I feel like I have to explain this: I think that most people, when faced with... whatever, envision a worst case and a best case scenario. My problem is that I often don't envision the best case scenario. I only think about worst case. And, I think, my reasoning is that if I only imagine the worst case scenario, there's no way of being let down. But that also robs you of the best case scenario good feeling. Yeah it's weird.
Anyway, so why this sucks: I asked the question, had the resulting good feeling for a few hours but then I started self-sabotaging. That ex that cheated on me? Checked her facebook. Sat down and actively remembered all the times I've been a piece of shit in my life. Well, I say actively but it's more like I couldn't stop the thoughts. So I brought it up in therapy and turns out, this is completely normal. Well normal for someone like me. My mind has been in a negative state for such a long time that it believes that to be a safe space and desperately tries to claw it's way back there. However, that doesn't mean it sucks any less when it happens but at least I can be comforted by knowing that it will happen less and less.
So yeah, that's it. The update. Take care of yourselves!