I've struggled in the last week. Really badly. Badly to the point where everything seems gray. Badly to the point where I've had problems getting out of bed. Badly to the point of me literally feeling like I'm going insane at times. Badly to the point where colleagues have asked me if I'm alright. For example: I'm working on team previews for TI9 and wrote this one section that I identified as dark but at the same time very poetic, one of my colleagues read it and said "are you in a dark place, right now?", not knowing how right he was. When its that easy to see, you know something's very wrong.
One thing that people who haven't lived through depression doesn't understand is how it lies to you. It's not like with schizophrenia where you actually hear voices but instead untrue thoughts pop into your head. Which was basically what I described in the last post. Not only that, they can cancel out any good emotions. On a bad day I can't even appreciate beauty. While I'm not an outdoorsy person, feeling the sun on my skin is usually something I enjoy. I usually love seeing the trees during the summer, it usually amazes me how green they are. This past week has been a week I would've enjoyed. But I haven't. I had to run an errand on Friday. I walked out the door and as the sun hit my skin I felt nothing. I walked to the bus stop, past these trees that hang over some water and while I usually always give them a long look as I walk past I just glanced at them this time. They evoked no emotion in me. This week has been all bad days.
And this messes with your head. Small situations are blown way out of proportion and every little thing just makes your mind spiral out of control. Everything is the worst case scenario. Several times this week I've just laid in bed at 4AM (just woken up because depression can effect your sleep pattern), unable to keep my mind from racing away, just imagining the dumbest stuff. And then you snap out of it for a minute and now you're ashamed of what you just thought. Or even worse, and this happened to me this week, you might even act on these idiotic thoughts before you snap out of it. And that's when you can really fuck things up. Which in turns leads to you feeling even worse. I won't say what I did, that's a bit too personal even in this honest of a post, but I didn't physically hurt myself or anyone else.
I have never handled my depression with cutting but I know it's common. And on some level I can understand people who cut. Not only do you get to experience an emotion but that emotion is all you have to focus on in that moment. It's like how people will slap someone to try to "snap them out of it" by a sudden shock to the system. I don't want people to worry, so I'm going to add this disclaimer: I'm not a cutter. I never have been and never will be.
The worst part is that I don't know what triggered this episode. I don't know if anything did. I've felt great leading up to this week. But here I am again, working on a Sunday night because that takes my attention off everything else. I feel good while I'm focused on something because then I don't have to think. And right now that's a blessing. Still, it will not stop me from having the same feelings tomorrow morning.
While this was very dark at places, I still want to end on a somewhat positive note: I've been here before and I know what I need to do in order to combat this. That journey begins tomorrow as I have an appointment with a therapist. I need that outside voice.