The time since I posted the blog has, overall, been great. I got drunk one night and got that "liquid courage" going so I decided to tweet out the blog post. Something I wouldn't normally do since I thought it was a bit too personal for Twitter. Turns out that was an outstanding move. A lot of people reached out to me, both in public and in private, both with words of encouragement and to tell me how they saw parts of themselves in my story. To everyone that reached out, even if it was just a like on my tweet, I'd like to say a huge thank you. Just knowing people took the time to read about my personal issues actually means a lot.
My friend also saw the tweet (which I thought wouldn't happen, didn't think she followed me) which turned out good as well. We keep in touch, mostly through snapchat. That, on its own, is a victory for me because I usually suck at keeping in touch. However, something that "simple" hasn't just been smooth sailings.
I still get caught up in self-destructive behavior from time to time and breaking the patterns are hard. Here, again, my friend comes into the picture. A while after she left and, I think, a little while after I posted my last blog on twitter I started feeling incredibly insecure. I felt like I was a huge burden on her. Like my behavior before she left made her feel like she had to keep in touch with me. "She's probably just replying because she feels like she has to". I decided not to snap her that day. Not to try her or anything but just because I had successfully convinced myself that she didn't want me to. I go to bed and wake up to about 10 snaps from her where she's "saving our streak" (the app has this counter that gets incremented by one for every consecutive day you send a snap to a person). I started that day off with a smile. Not because I got an excessive amount of snaps but because that snapped me out of this spiral of negative thoughts.
The worst part of this is looking back at it. I'm ashamed of my own thoughts. In my endless fucked up quest for sadness, I started assuming that this wonderful person was a liar. Someone whom I'd tricked into caring for me. Someone I'd trapped. Just because I felt like I didn't deserve the attention I assumed something that terrible about her. It was a reality check for me. I can't go around assuming peoples feelings about me. Especially not when it's for the worse.
As I read this back to myself I realize this, my insecurity about the people around me, may sound like it only happens with her but it doesn't. I have weekly meetings with my boss and I don't know how many times I've written down "my performance" as a discussion point, only to remove it a few minutes before the meeting. I'm happy with the work I do and I'm told I do a good job but my insecurities get the best of me. The reason I brought up this specific event is that it changed me. I had another day of feeling incredibly insecure today, due to me not being able to sleep last night (fuck this heat), and again I started telling myself shit. "You suck at your job, you should just ask for them to fire you". "What the fuck are you wearing? You know those jeans are too tight for you". "She doesn't really want you to talk to her, why are you even trying?". But you know what? After realizing what I was doing I stopped myself. I thought back to some of my recent achievements at work. I decided that my jeans weren't too tight. And I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I have no reason to think people don't like me. And it worked. I broke the spiral by acknowledging what I was feeling and by reflecting on those feelings. If it turns out I was wrong on any of this. If my jeans were too tight, if my performance has been slipping, or if a friend is too busy to talk to me, then that's fine. And I have no business assuming any of these things.
I don't expect this to be my last bad day but, just like with the self-deprecating humor, I'm learning how to handle those days. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.