if you have nothing nice or constructive or interestingly KEYWORD INTERESTINGLY critical to say just FUCK OFF already ok? i dont want SHIT in the comments. obv this is a selfish request, but FUCK. this is a personal thing so please be nice. if u trigger me im gonna hunt u down or something.
dont comment just to stroke ur own ego as if u have wit, halfwits
no offense
i just have issues
negatives of cannabis sativa
dry mouth
red eyes
sleepy lookin'
food tastes too good so its hard to stop myself from eating stuff
it makes me worse at dota
it makes me take longer with menial tasks
i can get paranoid
after its over im kinda burnt for the rest of the day
increased absentmindedness
negatives of cannabis sativa, extended use
i get overly interested in my own esoteric thoughts
i get overly interested in things that have nothing to do with my own well-being
i get overly interested in things that dont matter to others. i'm unable to have any sense of whether or not other people can follow my high thought processes, and i suspect they often can't.
i get overly interested in idealistic visions without naturally accompanying respect for the work it takes to realize one
i become even more able to rationalize almost anything, including anger and sadness
i get complacent with whatever im doing in life
i lose time overall. i still haven't found a way to get high without having to increase the sleep my body seems to require to function properly. only the first high of every sleep cycle is truly "the" high, though later local maxima can still be quite nice.
i become unable to sustain interest in certain types of problems: menial tasks that take too much attention and not enough actual brainpower. this is obviously a subjective evaluation. as long as i can daydream, i'm fine. but if my entire consciousness is engrossed in a problem it does not find immediately interesting and satisfying, it will easily get distracted. terminally so, generally.
it's a lot worse to be sober while i'm addicted. it's harder to enjoy things. i get angry easier. my already-naturally-low amount of patience seems even lower. a few days following cessation, i lose my appetite, have trouble sleeping, and start having temperature-regulation problems as well as issues with my digestive system, usually bloating. much time will be spent wishing i was high and trying to distract myself from that thought. the longest i've been clean since getting addicted to weed was 8 months, and i've had 2 other breaks over 3 months. by 1 month in, generally the worst of the withdrawal symptoms are over. after 2 months, it seems i'll hit my plateau of general physiological well-being if no extra effort is put in.
aside: don't let anyone tell you weed isn't "physically" addictive. it's some bullshit pseudoscience that became a factoid. the "physical" vs "psychological" addiction distinction is misleadingly legitimized in its usage in comparing addiction potential, but those two words are a gross misrepresentation of the differences between types of addiction and don't inherently say much. with ANY PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCE, you mess with neurotransmitters that humans clearly don't know all that much about (not that one could ever intellectually understand the effects of such neurotransmitter disruptions anyway), and that's a PHYSICAL PHENOMENA. a single try will irreversibly change your brain structure in a way that being sober never could. but with most drugs, a single try doesn't change your brain all that much. with all psychoactive drugs, extended usage will divert your brain structure from its sober trajectory more. you will become more of a drug person. i could make the argument for caffeine counting here, but i'm done with this digression.
a lot of my memories and thought processes while high are difficult-to-recall, or completely inaccessible to me while completely sober.
positives
i become more empathetic. it's easier than usual to remember love is the most important thing even when my near-infinite pool of anger has boiled over violently. put simply, i love anna and my mom and dad more and hurt them less, at least on an immediate timescale. it's easier to care about what other people care about... to an extent. overall, my emotions are easier to steer in positive directions, partly through my increased ability to rationalize almost anything. this took a lot of time and personal growth for my high self.
i feel like i can understand more angles of literally anything. when i examine things intellectually, it feels like i'm able to paint more interesting pictures with the repertoire of ideas in my head when i'm high than when i'm sober. i make more metaphorical connections between pretty much everything. i can more rapidly intermingle and connect disparate ideas with fluid logic. note: still can't think better on things that require formalized logical input (e.g., math, programming, deductive puzzles, etc). nonetheless, i feel like i can take everything to logical extremes and see a multitude of possibilities for everything.
a concrete example: my YUGE sandwich shop with architecture a la steve jobs's attempt on the apple and pixar campuses to connect interesting ideas with a variety of media and designed to be a social space for people with different interesting hobbies WHILE EATING ARTISAN SANDWICHES. i'm sure i could make it profitable later on by building it in a rich people w/toomuchfreetime place but i dont wanna do it right now.
that was a high dream
maybe it's not good, but it sounds kinda cool right? and i could always improve later
i have lots of other high dreams but nows not the time. maybe u dont believe me but a lot of them are really fucking good.
i have a more fluid view of language and i feel like i use it in more interesting ways. i don't care that most people seem to view this process for me with bewilderment, or even derision. it's just ridiculously enjoyable while i'm doing it. (more on this on my next blogboys)
over time, i feel like i've progressed in the way of designing psychological pathways to positivity and creation. my sober self was attempting this, but as my life turned out, my high self ended up doing it more interestingly. i'm sure the two can't be meaningfully compared. my sober self's life trajectory is the road not taken for me. i'm giving this road my best shot.
i've managed to mitigate a lot of the long-term negative effects, particularly regarding idealistic/esoteric/useless thoughts and complacency. i've become more self-aware of such issues while both high and sober. i think i've been making progress towards the end of minimizing certain undesirable effects of long term usage just through recognition, metacognition, and techniques to snap me into doing what i want to do when i realize i'm doing something i don't want to do. i dont know to what extent i can progress in this regard, but it's something i'm continuing to work on.
i like high me more than sober me overall. both high me and sober me like high me better than sober me, overall. i have attempted to re-evaluate this position multiple times but i always end up coming back to this conclusion. if i didn't, i wouldn't be writing this.
sober me would have never written this
im not sure sober me could have even courted anna tbh
i still have issues with the idea of free will; i have 7th grade newtonian mechanics
i dont know if my life could've gone that differently; i don't know where i was supposed to choose differently
On April 14 2016 15:32 SpiritoftheTunA wrote: both our views on it have changed over time but i mean it's just a part of our life now
can you further elaborate
i'm not going to get too deep into it here, but both her and i at times have viewed weed as something that's standing in the way of my progress. obviously a lot of people here are predisposed to that view as well.
as for the current past year though, i've convinced her, and she can be quite stubborn sometimes, that weed is integral enough and important enough to my path in life for now to outweigh the negatives. she can directly see the benefits of a weed high making me more considerate, patient, and empathetic acutely in times when i really need to be those things. she can see the difference in my thinking when i'm high, and while my high thoughts are rarely as hard-hitting to her as they are to my high self (something i've known in general about my high thoughts), she can definitely see that they can be uniquely interesting and that they're definitely things that sober me would never think of.
one of the biggest obstacles for her is the paranoia that i'll get arrested; but i'm pretty good at measuring risk and convincing her that i'm doing stuff that i believe to be mostly safe. i suspect some readers might disagree on this count as well.
she, like lot of people, finds the consumption of weed a lot less off-putting if there's no smoking involved, so i haven't smoked for awhile, and i'm trying to avoid it.
On April 14 2016 16:03 IgnE wrote: would you prefer it if no one commented at all? that's a serious question
no i like all the responses so far. i'm sorry i was unnecessarily hostile in my introduction.
On April 14 2016 18:46 makmeatt wrote: blogs are google-indexed; so it doesn't matter whether somebody links this elsewhere or not.
it's ok that it's googleable i just don't want it to go quickly viral somehow... though honestly i'm ok if it is so don't even worry on my behalf there. thank you for your concern.
it's interesting how the consequences of 'extended use' you cited are negative to you. i suppose it's just because they are way too different from your usual self? while i can sympathize with the positives, i find it hard to understand or believe how they can be worth going through any single form of addiction i can imagine. better seek ways to experience them without the necessity of taking anything (and while i can get that this is easier said than done, it's important enough for everyone to at least consider thoroughly).
i listed the main negatives i could think bring to mind as a form of education/warning for others, and also to show that i have enough self-awareness to know it's obviously quite the sharp double-edge sword.
my current approach to life is to do it addicted to weed. there's no such thing as experiencing life high on weed without taking it. it is a mindset that is mostly inaccessible to me while sober. you can't have it both ways. there are definite advantages to being sober that i both highlighted explicitly and implicitly, but again... i've been a stoner for over 6 years now, on-and-off... it's not a new cost/benefit calculation to me: it's one i've rethought a lot of times, and at this point i fall on this side of the fence.
given the personality issues i've had since birth, going through a form of addiction, and one of the 'least bad' (honestly a useless comparison, qualitative things like this shouldn't be compared quantitatively, but it's just a useful heuristic) recreational drugs to be addicted to, is definitely not something that i find hard to "go through" per se. it's just another aspect of my mind i have to try to balance and work with.
i mentioned this before, but whenever i start to feel like my life is too fucked up; i'll just look at a few biographies of artists or thinkers or scientists i admire and i'll feel like it's all right. who cares if this is a questionable rationalization? it's a thought pattern that puts me back on what i believe to be the track i want to be on.
On April 14 2016 18:53 turpentine wrote: I don't do drugs so I'm not speaking from experience, but it seems to me that one of the main negatives of weed, namely, complacency, lack of motivation and feelings along those lines, heavily undermines the positive aspect relating to grand ideas and possibilities. It's the stuff of morality tales--our protagonist finds the herb of Great Thoughts, but that same herb kills any motivation to act on those thoughts. Maybe it's a question of proper dosage?
excellent comment/question: this is definitely at the core of why people look down upon stoners, don't trust them, and see them generally as going nowhere in life. my comments on this should be able to translate to the struggles of others that have nothing to do with weed in particular, though weed interacts particularly strongly with this issue.
i think it's an issue of habits, just like many other issues of time allocation and dream-chasing. not to say that "habits" is necessarily the core concept to think of here, but it's definitely one of them.
a lot of my high time is wasted on dota, reddit, and consuming media insufficiently interesting to warrant being high during consumption (interesting media consumed is worth it because i feel like it adds to my web of literary/philosophical thoughts). in short, i waste too much time on unproductive masturbation (porn gets involved too). it's a habit i am working to change. most of us struggle against our habits of escapism and not-too-meaningful forms of social interaction that seem to keep us grounded to our lives.
i've kept the goal/imperative in mind throughout my high life to try to keep on the lookout for interesting things i might be able to sublimate into artistic creation or something else of merit. i've kept the goal in mind to try to stop myself and change activities whenever i see myself wasting time in yet another cliche way. i hate many cliche strains of thought, though certain ones appeal to me greatly.
it's a lifelong struggle. the 'correct' balance probably involves a nonzero amount of useless masturbation, especially social masturbation, just for psychological upkeep purposes, but of course useless masturbation should still be minimized. not to say worthwhile moments are completely precluded by the metaphorical act of masturbation, solitary or social, because worthwhile moments can always be found in unexpected places. it's kind of a probabilistic thing, though. i'm sure if i had more interesting social circles, i wouldn't view so much of the interaction as masturbation.
due to recent events that served as a wake-up call (no details for now sorry), i got nudged dramatically in the direction of productivity. i wrote 2 blogs that came from a quite personal place, even if they're of really questionable quality. personally, i was happy with this step. i've been thinking more about plans to do more with my time and plans to take first steps on some of my other dreams. i went to one of my wife's lectures and i plan to go to a few more and perhaps befriend one or more of her professors.
i am aware of studies that show that grandiose ideation and thinking about what its like to have brought about big dreams can prematurely sate the drive for accomplishment and end up stifling it. i hope that my awareness of and CONSTANT VIGILANCE against it help, but again, it's a lifelong struggle.
there are a few high (and sober) dreams i could accomplish while sober, so it's still kind of a plan b, but if i had the choice, i'd rather still accomplish high dreams while (mostly) high.
dosage definitely affects things, and strain can affect things too. weed is honestly a nightmare for people who want consistent controlled effects. being from california and being able to access dispensaries really helps, though.
I think you might be better off if you acknowledged the good stuff the grass has brought you, but without tying your own ambitions and plans to it. I don't think there's any need to vindicate your drug habit via some kind of Magnum Opus in any field, especially in light of you saying that you "get overly interested in idealistic visions without any respect for the work it takes to realize one". That sounds like a road to disappointment. Smoke your weed and get stuff done, maybe it's great, maybe it's not; go next.
perhaps you're right. i'd still like to imagine you're wrong and that the Magnum Opus(es) i have in mind might be worth all the "sacrifice." and lets be real, my life is SO FUCKING EASY compared to that of so many more interesting and accomplished people. if i consciously choose this as the demon i need to grapple with to do what i think i want to do, just let me give it my try. of course i'm not dependent on anyone's permission, but the general perception that many intelligent people still disagree with me still slightly bothers me. if that alone could change me though, i think it'd indicate a questionable lack of ego and integrity.
And since you speak of rationalization--is it not perhaps a form of rationalization to think that your weed-smoking is done for a greater purpose than simple pleasure and stress-relief, presumably the main reasons why people consume drugs? Like: "i swear on my FUCKING LIFE im gonna do something worthwhile soon" You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to Achieve Something, and linking that to the drugs. That's really the heart of your justification, and I wonder if it's worthwhile. Hell, smoking weed while telling oneself that it's being done for a Higher Purpose seems like it would make things a lot less enjoyable. It would stop being about just getting high.
you are correct. it is a rationalization. i'm going to go more into this in my next blog, but i think rationalization can be used as a powerful ally in sublimating bad habits into higher purposes, and i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. it's obviously a bad thing with delusional idiots, and i could still very well be a delusional idiot, but it's still something i believe in and want to attempt. "simple pleasure and stress-relief" are huge parts of why i got into weed. they are bad reasons to stay addicted to weed. i am trying to justify good reasons to stay addicted to weed because high me can imagine things going better if i can really value and act on those good reasons.
obviously an alternative is to attempt to detox and "do something worthwhile" sober and just abandon high me as a failed artifact of self-medication. high me really doesn't want that. sober me doesn't want it either. and as i've alluded to, both sober me and high me like high me better. one extension of this is that both of us also like high me's dreams better, and think high me is a more interesting and worthwhile architect and engineer of those dreams, even if certain aspects become more difficult.
dreams shouldn't be enjoyable in the same way escapism is. that's fine. i'm aware of that. i still want to pursue them. they bear fruit of a deeper kind of enjoyment anyway, and it's something i've been able to experience in bits and pieces while high.
let me reiterate my conclusion.
im ok ok? pls try to be happy for me
btw i wrote the blog high and this Q/A post sober, but there's no chance i would've ever written anything like this post if i weren't a stoner.
On April 14 2016 20:12 sc14s wrote: Oddly enough my experience is the opposite with dota, it helps me just focus on the game or something (not talking super stoned, but say one bowl) some of my best dota has been while mildy under the influence where when i am only focused on the game and not worrying about fucking up it somehow seems to go well. I think it also helps me not get tilted from my team being awful or me being too hard on myself.
I really dig my dreams after smoking so sleeping becomes less of a chore (I tend to get way less sleep than I should)
I am also more productive about doing things around the house (my wife loves t when i get stoned and clean the house spic and span, lol)
I think we might experience weed slightly differently; In all likelyhood you probably do it in much more massive doses (considering that you ingest edibles) than I do and more regularly.
thank you for your response.
i've experienced better games of dota for sure. i'm also able to enjoy bad games more. part of the reason it makes me worse is that recently i've cared less and less about performing well and getting better at the game and more about just amusing myself intellectually, which is not a game-winning mindset for me. i'm fine with that though. i love weed + dota, not gonna lie, it's just still a vice in the end.
i forgot to mention this negative of extended higher-dosage use, but dreams are barely there. this kind of goes along with the 'losing time' point. conversely, in withdrawal, i get super vivid emotional dreams, and some of them can be quite interesting, but i never wake up feeling rested.
yea i definitely have more patience to do certain menial tasks high; like i said, ones that don't take up all of my attention. i do a lot of cleaning in this household (SHOULD BE DOING A LOT MORE) and weed can definitely help with that.
weed definitely can differ in effect by dosage and quite idiosyncratically by person. i don't want to say i'm too much of an outlier, but i've got a pretty weird personality and life, so i don't mean for my experiences with weed to justify anyone else's anything. everyone's responsible for themselves, i just thought i might give my account to people on why i live the way i do.
sorry i don't want to seem like i have high standards for comments, and i will field any questions no matter how simple, but i just can't stand when i put effort into something and ppl only have some trivial joke to make or comment indicating only that they werent interested (being surprised i was married was excusable). comments like that feel like an ugly waste of space and just bother me.
blogs are google-indexed, so it doesn't matter whether somebody links this elsewhere or not. it's interesting how the consequences of 'extended use' you cited are negative to you. i suppose it's just because they are way too different from your usual self? while i can sympathize with the positives, i find it hard to understand or believe how they can be worth going through any single form of addiction i can imagine. better seek ways to experience them without the necessity of taking anything (and while i can get that this is easier said than done, it's important enough for everyone to at least consider thoroughly).
I don't do drugs so I'm not speaking from experience, but it seems to me that one of the main negatives of weed, namely, complacency, lack of motivation and feelings along those lines, heavily undermines the positive aspect relating to grand ideas and possibilities. It's the stuff of morality tales--our protagonist finds the herb of Great Thoughts, but that same herb kills any motivation to act on those thoughts. Maybe it's a question of proper dosage?
And since you speak of rationalization--is it not perhaps a form of rationalization to think that your weed-smoking is done for a greater purpose than simple pleasure and stress-relief, presumably the main reasons why people consume drugs? Like: "i swear on my FUCKING LIFE im gonna do something worthwhile soon" You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to Achieve Something, and linking that to the drugs. That's really the heart of your justification, and I wonder if it's worthwhile. Hell, smoking weed while telling oneself that it's being done for a Higher Purpose seems like it would make things a lot less enjoyable. It would stop being about just getting high.
I think you might be better off if you acknowledged the good stuff the grass has brought you, but without tying your own ambitions and plans to it. I don't think there's any need to vindicate your drug habit via some kind of Magnum Opus in any field, especially in light of you saying that you "get overly interested in idealistic visions without any respect for the work it takes to realize one". That sounds like a road to disappointment. Smoke your weed and get stuff done, maybe it's great, maybe it's not; go next.
Oddly enough my experience is the opposite with dota, it helps me just focus on the game or something (not talking super stoned, but say one bowl) some of my best dota has been while mildy under the influence where when i am only focused on the game and not worrying about fucking up it somehow seems to go well. I think it also helps me not get tilted from my team being awful or me being too hard on myself.
I really dig my dreams after smoking so sleeping becomes less of a chore (I tend to get way less sleep than I should)
I am also more productive about doing things around the house (my wife loves t when i get stoned and clean the house spic and span, lol)
I think we might experience weed slightly differently; In all likelyhood you probably do it in much more massive doses (considering that you ingest edibles) than I do and more regularly.
On April 14 2016 15:32 SpiritoftheTunA wrote: both our views on it have changed over time but i mean it's just a part of our life now
can you further elaborate
i'm not going to get too deep into it here, but both she and i at times have viewed weed as something that's standing in the way of my progress. obviously a lot of people here are predisposed to that view as well.
as for the current past year though, i've convinced her, and she can be quite stubborn sometimes, that weed is integral enough and important enough to my path in life for now to outweigh the negatives. she can directly see the benefits of a weed high making me more considerate, patient, and empathetic acutely in times when i really need to be those things. she can see the difference in my thinking when i'm high, and while my high thoughts are rarely as hard-hitting to her as they are to my high self (something i've known in general about my high thoughts), she can definitely see that they can be uniquely interesting and that they're definitely things that sober me would never think of.
one of the biggest obstacles for her is the paranoia that i'll get arrested; but i'm pretty good at measuring risk and convincing her that i'm doing stuff that i believe to be mostly safe. i suspect some readers might disagree on this count as well.
she, like lot of people, finds the consumption of weed a lot less off-putting if there's no smoking involved, so i haven't smoked for awhile, and i'm trying to avoid it.
On April 14 2016 16:03 IgnE wrote: would you prefer it if no one commented at all? that's a serious question
no i like all the responses so far. i'm sorry i was unnecessarily hostile in my introduction.
On April 14 2016 18:46 makmeatt wrote: blogs are google-indexed; so it doesn't matter whether somebody links this elsewhere or not.
it's ok that it's googleable i just don't want it to go quickly viral somehow... though honestly i'm ok if it does, so don't even worry on my behalf there. thank you for your concern.
it's interesting how the consequences of 'extended use' you cited are negative to you. i suppose it's just because they are way too different from your usual self? while i can sympathize with the positives, i find it hard to understand or believe how they can be worth going through any single form of addiction i can imagine. better seek ways to experience them without the necessity of taking anything (and while i can get that this is easier said than done, it's important enough for everyone to at least consider thoroughly).
i listed the main negatives i could quickly conjure to mind as a form of education/warning for others, and also to show that i have enough self-awareness to know it's obviously quite the sharp double-edge sword.
my current approach to life is to do it addicted to weed. there's no such thing as experiencing life high on weed without taking it. it is a mindset that is mostly inaccessible to me while sober. you can't have it both ways. there are definite advantages to being sober that i both highlighted explicitly and implicitly, but again... i've been a stoner for over 6 years now, on-and-off... it's not a new cost/benefit calculation to me: it's one i've rethought a lot of times, and at this point i fall on this side of the fence.
given the personality issues i've had since birth, going through a form of addiction, and one of the 'least bad' (honestly a useless comparison, qualitative things like this shouldn't be compared quantitatively, but it's just a useful heuristic) recreational drugs to be addicted to, is definitely not something that i find hard to "go through" per se. it's just another aspect of my mind i have to try to balance and work with.
i mentioned this before, but whenever i start to feel like my life is too fucked up; i'll just look at a few biographies of artists or thinkers or scientists i admire and i'll feel like it's all right. who cares if this is a questionable rationalization? it's a thought pattern that puts me back on what i believe to be the track i want to be on.
On April 14 2016 18:53 turpentine wrote: I don't do drugs so I'm not speaking from experience, but it seems to me that one of the main negatives of weed, namely, complacency, lack of motivation and feelings along those lines, heavily undermines the positive aspect relating to grand ideas and possibilities. It's the stuff of morality tales--our protagonist finds the herb of Great Thoughts, but that same herb kills any motivation to act on those thoughts. Maybe it's a question of proper dosage?
excellent comment/question: this is definitely at the core of why people look down upon stoners, don't trust them, and see them generally as going nowhere in life. my comments on this should be able to translate to the struggles of others that have nothing to do with weed in particular, though weed interacts particularly strongly with this issue.
i think it's an issue of habits, just like many other issues of time allocation and dream-chasing. not to say that "habits" is necessarily the core concept to think of here, but it's definitely one of them.
a lot of my high time is wasted on dota, reddit, and consuming media insufficiently interesting to warrant being high during consumption (interesting media consumed is worth it because i feel like it adds to my web of literary/philosophical thoughts). in short, i waste too much time on unproductive masturbation (porn gets involved too). it's a habit i am working to change. most of us struggle against our habits of escapism and not-too-meaningful forms of social interaction that seem to keep us grounded to our lives.
i've kept the goal/imperative in mind throughout my high life to try to keep on the lookout for interesting things i might be able to sublimate into artistic creation or something else of merit. i've kept the goal in mind to try to stop myself and change activities whenever i see myself wasting time in yet another cliche way. i hate many cliche strains of thought, though certain ones appeal to me greatly.
it's a lifelong struggle. the 'correct' balance probably involves a nonzero amount of useless masturbation, especially social masturbation, just for psychological upkeep purposes, but of course useless masturbation should still be minimized. not to say worthwhile moments are completely precluded by the metaphorical act of masturbation, solitary or social, because worthwhile moments can always be found in unexpected places. it's kind of a probabilistic thing, though. i'm sure if i had more interesting social circles, i wouldn't view so much of the interaction as masturbation.
due to recent events that served as a wake-up call (no details for now sorry), i got nudged dramatically in the direction of productivity. i wrote 2 blogs that came from a quite personal place, even if they're of really questionable quality. personally, i was happy with this step. i've been thinking more about plans to do more with my time and plans to take first steps on some of my other dreams. i went to one of my wife's lectures and i plan to go to a few more and perhaps befriend one or more of her professors.
i am aware of studies that show that grandiose ideation and thinking about what its like to have brought about big dreams can prematurely sate the drive for accomplishment and end up stifling it. i hope that my awareness of and CONSTANT VIGILANCE against it help, but again, it's a lifelong struggle.
there are a few high (and sober) dreams i could accomplish while sober, so it's still kind of a plan b, but if i had the choice, i'd rather still accomplish high dreams while (mostly) high.
dosage definitely affects things, and strain can affect things too. weed is honestly a nightmare for people who want consistent controlled effects. being from california and being able to access dispensaries really helps, though.
I think you might be better off if you acknowledged the good stuff the grass has brought you, but without tying your own ambitions and plans to it. I don't think there's any need to vindicate your drug habit via some kind of Magnum Opus in any field, especially in light of you saying that you "get overly interested in idealistic visions without any respect for the work it takes to realize one". That sounds like a road to disappointment. Smoke your weed and get stuff done, maybe it's great, maybe it's not; go next.
perhaps you're right. i'd still like to imagine you're wrong and that the Magnum Opus(es) i have in mind might be worth all the "sacrifice." and lets be real, my life is SO FUCKING EASY compared to that of so many more interesting and accomplished people. if i consciously choose this as the demon i need to grapple with to do what i think i want to do, just let me give it my try. of course i'm not dependent on anyone's permission, but the general perception that many intelligent people still disagree with me still slightly bothers me. if that alone could change me though, i think it'd indicate a questionable lack of ego and integrity.
And since you speak of rationalization--is it not perhaps a form of rationalization to think that your weed-smoking is done for a greater purpose than simple pleasure and stress-relief, presumably the main reasons why people consume drugs? Like: "i swear on my FUCKING LIFE im gonna do something worthwhile soon" You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to Achieve Something, and linking that to the drugs. That's really the heart of your justification, and I wonder if it's worthwhile. Hell, smoking weed while telling oneself that it's being done for a Higher Purpose seems like it would make things a lot less enjoyable. It would stop being about just getting high.
you are correct. it is a rationalization. i'm going to go more into this in my next blog, but i think rationalization can be used as a powerful ally in sublimating bad habits into higher purposes, and i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. it's obviously a bad thing with delusional idiots, and i could still very well be a delusional idiot, but it's still something i believe in and want to attempt. "simple pleasure and stress-relief" are huge parts of why i got into weed. they are bad reasons to stay addicted to weed. i am trying to justify good reasons to stay addicted to weed because high me can imagine things going better if i can really value and act on those good reasons.
obviously an alternative is to attempt to detox and "do something worthwhile" sober and just abandon high me as a failed artifact of self-medication. high me really doesn't want that. sober me doesn't want it either. and as i've alluded to, both sober me and high me like high me better. one extension of this is that both of us also like high me's dreams better, and think high me is a more interesting and worthwhile architect and engineer of those dreams, even if certain aspects become more difficult.
dreams shouldn't be enjoyable in the same way escapism is. that's fine. i'm aware of that. i still want to pursue them. they bear fruit of a deeper kind of enjoyment anyway, and it's something i've been able to experience in bits and pieces while high.
let me reiterate my conclusion.
im ok ok? pls try to be happy for me
btw i wrote the blog high and this Q/A post sober, but there's no chance i would've ever written anything like this post if i weren't a stoner.
On April 14 2016 20:12 sc14s wrote: Oddly enough my experience is the opposite with dota, it helps me just focus on the game or something (not talking super stoned, but say one bowl) some of my best dota has been while mildy under the influence where when i am only focused on the game and not worrying about fucking up it somehow seems to go well. I think it also helps me not get tilted from my team being awful or me being too hard on myself.
I really dig my dreams after smoking so sleeping becomes less of a chore (I tend to get way less sleep than I should)
I am also more productive about doing things around the house (my wife loves t when i get stoned and clean the house spic and span, lol)
I think we might experience weed slightly differently; In all likelyhood you probably do it in much more massive doses (considering that you ingest edibles) than I do and more regularly.
thank you for your response.
i've experienced better games of dota for sure. i'm also able to enjoy bad games more. part of the reason it makes me worse is that recently i've cared less and less about performing well and getting better at the game and more about just amusing myself intellectually, which is not a game-winning mindset for me. i'm fine with that though. i love weed + dota, not gonna lie, it's just still a vice in the end.
i forgot to mention this negative of extended higher-dosage use, but dreams are barely there. this kind of goes along with the 'losing time' point. conversely, in withdrawal, i get super vivid emotional dreams, and some of them can be quite interesting, but i never wake up feeling rested.
yea i definitely have more patience to do certain menial tasks high; like i said, ones that don't take up all of my attention. i do a lot of cleaning in this household (SHOULD BE DOING A LOT MORE) and weed can definitely help with that.
weed definitely can differ in effect by dosage and quite idiosyncratically by person. i don't want to say i'm too much of an outlier, but i've got a pretty weird personality and life, so i don't mean for my experiences with weed to justify anyone else's anything. everyone's responsible for themselves, i just thought i might give my account to people on why i live the way i do.
weeds a lot of fun, but for me thats all it really is
Idm people getting some wellbeing from the feeling of being high, or fucked on any sorta drug really, but for me its just something thats good fun, without much harm caused
On April 15 2016 00:35 Zealos wrote: weeds a lot of fun, but for me thats all it really is
Idm people getting some wellbeing from the feeling of being high, or fucked on any sorta drug really, but for me its just something thats good fun, without much harm caused
and your viewpoint and approach to weed and drugs is totally fine imo
So your wife is at Harvard Law and you spend much of your time getting high, playing dota, and (metaphorically or not) masturbating. I think the fact that you posted this blog means that somewhere deep down inside of you your superego, which has been completely overwhelmed by your id and betrayed by your ego, knows that you need to take an extended break from marijuana. You listed that being more "empathetic" is a positive contribution from your marijuana consumption, but in my experience heavy marijuana use is a numbing agent like many other drugs. What and why is that you are trying to avoid feeling?
On April 15 2016 01:03 IgnE wrote: I think the fact that you posted this blog means that somewhere deep down inside of you your superego, which has been completely overwhelmed by your id and betrayed by your ego, knows that you need to take an extended break from marijuana.
i tried taking that sort of extended break last year (8 months or so) and overall i felt more paralyzed and less alive, for the reasons i describe regarding disadvantages of being sober while addicted to weed / withdrawl.
i'm not going to pretend that i blame lack of weed entirely for that paralysis and internal atrophy. i didnt put in enough effort towards changing things other than the usage of weed itself, and i let my lazy, complacent id take over. i've mentioned that weed makes me complacent, but the restlessness of my sober self has rarely historically sublimated into productive things i've been proud of.
but again, i have issues with the concept of free will, and i'm not sure how i could've handled that period differently. it's in the past anyway, and it's taken me a long time to develop an aversion to dwelling in regrets. i'll invoke that aversion now.
some (definitely not all) parts of my superego that i particularly like are gated behind getting high with sativa-dominant cannabis sativa. my id likes to play games, waste time, masturbate, and fuck. my id likes to look for amusement without any sort of greater meaning or sublimation into some sort of dream or plan. my id plays the villain both when i'm sober and when i'm high. my superego is what attempts to deal with that, and i feel my superego is the least capable of taking control when i'm sober, hungry, tired, irritated, and unable to access my positive, productive, dream-fueled thoughts.
You listed that being more "empathetic" is a positive contribution from your marijuana consumption, but in my experience heavy marijuana use is a numbing agent like many other drugs. What and why is that you are trying to avoid feeling?
i want to avoid feeling that "nothing matters" is a reason at all to not do things, which is a pathological strain of thought conjured not by high me, but by sober me. i want to avoid feeling like getting a conventional job and getting by is enough. i want to avoid feeling like the quick-to-irritation overly-left-brained mess of an autist that i call my sober self. i like him sometimes, but i like high me more.
i dislike how you won't take my words at face value. i understand your skepticism, but i wish you could afford my explanation a little respect, even if just in a devils-advocate manner.
marijuana isn't numbing to me, especially because i avoid indica-dominant strains. and while on sativa-dominant strains, i generally feel like more synapses are firing all at once and i have a more full picture of things. the picture may be "distorted" or "warped" in some regards, but i like it better than the picture i get when i'm sober.
i'm going to assume you just had questionable word choice and meant to say "distract" rather than "numb," because the latter is just a specific instance of the former that doesn't fit particularly well here.
heavy marijuana use is definitely more often used to distract and leave one complacent than what i'm trying to use it for, and indeed i'm trying to make a transition away from that pathological self-medication, because i definitely relished in its ability to distract me from certain negativity and parts of my life that were falling apart. i think i'm actually moving forward though, step at a time (sometimes leaps, y'know, like uh... punctuated equilibrium in evolutionary theory).
i don't give much credence to your apparent confidence that my approach is fundamentally fatally flawed.
lets not pretend every straight-edge human being is interesting or worthwhile or driven by a highly-developed superego.
So your wife is at Harvard Law and you spend much of your time getting high, playing dota, and (metaphorically or not) masturbating.
not gonna get too into it but i think youre championing her and villianizing me too much here. but yea that is the cover of the book. for the record, i'm pretty sure she'd just get mad at your post for not seeming to believe me on many counts. i can confirm soon.
thanks for your input
apologies for all the grammatical mistakes i'm still catching/editing, i'm tired
but still havent gotten high since writing this blog xd
Maybe your sober self is depressed. I thought about my use of the word "numb" in this context and I still think it's apt. Sure if you prefer you can call it a distraction, from life, from sobriety, from depression, but it's the numbing blanket that makes the feelings of despair, futility, and hollowness go away. I'd actually argue that getting high all the time while engaging in stimulating behavior (masturbation, dota, obsessive internet browsing) is a particularly deadening form of self-medication. Sober you isn't just itching for weed, it's itching for the whole package, and is generally uncomfortable with the idea of really being "present" in sober space-time. I am willing to bet that you think most people are boring when you are sober and that your greatest feelings of existential angst and apathy well up when you've been sober and look around at your life in cold appraisal.
It's not that I don't believe what you are saying. I just recognize much of it to be the same kind of rationalizations I had when I was smoking every day. I actually graduated from a top five law school myself and spent three years playing video games and getting high. I had a class taught by a civil rights legend and only showed up to two sessions the whole semester.
I don't know what you do for a living. I am pretty sure it isn't gratifying. I am also sure that most jobs on this planet aren't. But you need to find something you want to be doing, seriously, or you will just end up coasting along indefinitely. Coasting is honestly fine for a while. I did it. It happens. If I could go back in time and give myself advice I would tell my younger self to get a job like bricklaying (ignore for a minute that those jobs don't exist anymore) to really get a feel for hard work and free up some sober mental space to consider what I really wanted to do with my life. It's a real shame that retail service jobs have replaced the intrinsically rewarding work of manual labor, as retail jobs are oppressively grim in a way that other labor is not. Personally, the default life choices are a bit unsatisfying, and it takes some serious, perhaps painful, sober reflection and "being" to really get some perspective. Comfort is the enemy of personal development in many cases.
I also think you should probably work on your sober self. I'm not married and so maybe I had extra incentive to work on myself in order not to alienate everyone around me, whereas you have a legally committed wife. "Issues" with "free will," apathy, and fatalism are red flags to me. If you literally cannot take an extended break without descending into a depressive funk you should probably change something up about your lifestyle and habits.
Edit: I also am not against recreational weed usage. I just personally don't like walking around with weed crutches in order to "get through" life.
Edit edit: think about how marijuana and bingeing stimulation affect your reward systems. Even if you approach life from an epicurean perspective, you can maximize pleasure and self worth by re-sensitizing your brain. Step off the hedonic treadmill for a while.
I am willing to bet that you think most people are boring when you are sober and that you your greatest feelings of existential angst and apathy well up when you've been sober and look around at your life in cold appraisal.
yes, but this sense has decreased over time as i've accumulated more seemingly-viable dreams. i've found freedom from angst and apathy in ideating and working on my creative dreams. even though i feel it much more deeply while high, it's not as if i feel completely barren while sober. such dreams have crept over and remain in my consciousness while sober sometimes. i've described the worst of being sober, but it's really not like that a lot of the time... it's just that i'd still rather be high a lot of that time.
I don't know what you do for a living. I am pretty sure it isn't gratifying. I am also sure that most jobs on this planet aren't. But you need to find something you want to be doing, seriously, or you will just end up coasting along indefinitely
literally nothing for now in the way of paying work. i'm a spoiled only child and my parents enable me so long as i hold them and their well-being hostage, and i've emotionally held them hostage since before i can remember, via threats of self-harm and suicide as a toddler. i yelled at the top of my lungs, i cried for hours on end, and i would literally punch myself in the head until my parents had no other recourse but to acquiesce to whatever ridiculous demands i had. i've treated them better over time, but the basic dynamic has persisted for the most part.
it's really easy to dislike me for this, but try not to. it's easy to blame me for not being stronger and taking more responsibility for fixing the dynamic earlier, but try not to. i'm working on it. again, i try to avoid regrets.
i told my mother to cut me off this september, which happens to be a convenient logical transition point due to the logistics of my summer plans. this summer i will be writing a bunch of fiction and some nonfiction and trying to keep in touch with a few people i respect to edit my work in hopes of ideally getting into stanford's creative writing program. i'll probably apply to a bunch of other artsy stuff next year too. in september, when i'm actually cut off and in a place to look for work, i'll find work and keep working on my creative dreams on top of that.
Personally, the default life choices are a bit unsatisfying, and it takes some serious, perhaps painful, sober reflection and "being" to really get some perspective. Comfort is the enemy of personal development in many cases.
in my case, the comfort of my situation and the amount of time i've had to reflect has defined my personal development in some respects. of course the pace seems clearly insufficient sometimes, and i've definitely gone through cycles of time-wasting and shame, but everything's still been getting better over time; i've been getting better at dealing with all these things.
if you've gathered, the first dream i want to start working towards is becoming an artist. i wasn't exactly raised to be an artist, nor did i show obvious proficiency at it earlier on, but i got extra time to develop, and i'd like to think i'm somewhat capable now. at least capable enough to keep giving it a shot until i fail. and luckily, my safety net seems pretty fucking strong. i could live with myself doing art as a weekend warrior, but i want to give it a shot at being professional first. i know it's a ridiculous privilege and opportunity to even have this chance, so i don't want to waste that much more time squandering it.
"Issues" with "free will," apathy, and fatalism are red flags to me.
idk where "apathy" came from.
i'm always hesitant to mention my issues with free will because it always ends up being a completely useless discussion... but i'll try to paint a bit of a picture
i am aware of studies that show that people who believe in free will manage to end up acting more as if they have it, towards positive results. i am aware of the detrimental effects of naive fatalism. i am aware that preoccupation with determinism/fatalism go hand-in-hand with symptoms of dysthemia or depression. these are things i've struggled with since grade 7, as i've alluded to, long before my relationship with weed.
i'm aware of the concept of compatibilism. i'm aware that you can still have a useful concept of free will where free will actually exists in a meaningful way. i am a determinist only in a very basic way does not apply to perception-level life-level phenomena. at this point, i've reduced my once-overwhelmingly-pathological conception of determinism to simply a rationalization to not regret the past and keep moving forward, which is one of its only useful conclusions (it might have some things to say about how societies should handle criminals/corrections but that's a major digression). i wouldn't even bring it up anymore in most situations, but it was a thought in my head for this blog, so i ended up mentioning it offhand.
I also think you should probably work on your sober self.
i am working on my sober self. i have not given up on it; i've just given up on the idea that i want to live most of my life sober. i'm okay with 50/50 or 70/30, even if that slows down my development in certain aspects.
Edit: I also am not against recreational weed usage. I just personally don't like walking around with weed crutches in order to "get through" life.
as i've already stated, i'm trying to transition from this sort of relationship with weed towards a more symbiotic one where i can live a more productive and fulfilling life while high for a significant percentage.
Edit edit: think about how marijuana and bingeing stimulation affect your reward systems. Even if you approach life from an epicurean perspective, you can maximize pleasure and self worth by re-sensitizing your brain. Step off the hedonic treadmill for a while.
i dont know what an epicurean perspective is off the top of my head so lemme consult wiki
Epicurus believed that what he called "pleasure" was the greatest good, but that the way to attain such pleasure was to live modestly, to gain knowledge of the workings of the world and to limit one's desires. This would lead one to attain a state of tranquility (ataraxia) and freedom from fear as well as an absence of bodily pain (aponia). The combination of these two states constitutes happiness in its highest form.
this isn't me. i'm fine with suffering if it's for a greater end; it's the paralyzed suffering of the treadmill of hedonism specifically that i'm trying to get away from. i'm not sure what advice you're trying to give here, because my stated goals with this lifestyle are not hedonistic, even if the original reason for getting into heavy weed usage was. if there were two philosophers whose ideas i would like most to follow, it'd be kierkegaard and nietzsche. maybe a bit of wittgenstein.
thanks for your continued input
this entire post was written sober without much existential dread or angst
I got "apathy" from you saying you don't like feeling that "nothing matters."
I feel obligated to point out that having gratifying work to do is an important element in creating meaning in your life.
I honestly think you should go get a job like roofing houses or doing lawncare for awhile. I don't know where you could even get a job like that in Boston, but assuming you are 23 or 24 with no job and apparently no job experience I tend to think that "becoming an artist" is just the most palatable "default" option for you and that even going to Stanford for creative writing won't necessarily give you the drive that you seem to crave in your life. You barely know what you want out of life because you've been opting out of it for so long.
But hey maybe I'm wrong and retroactively projecting on you. Do your thing.
On April 15 2016 04:00 IgnE wrote: I got "apathy" from you saying you don't like feeling that "nothing matters."
that particular part of the quote, i think, referred to useless existential dread, something that i'm pretty much winning the battle against nowadays. but yes, getting high is a quick shortcut out of it if i feel trapped in that kind of mindset.
I feel obligated to point out that having gratifying work to do is an important element in creating meaning in your life.
which is why i want writing to become that work. i'm trying to build up the discipline to put out more signficiant output. earlier this year i read the self-help book by stephen pressfield "the war of art" and it was actually good for thinking of such things in practical terms, even if i've dragged my feet quite a bit putting his lessons to practice because of my ever-present id that prefers more immediate gratification.
I honestly think you should go get a job like roofing houses or doing lawncare for awhile. I don't know where you could even get a job like that in Boston, but assuming you are 23 or 24 with no job and apparently no job experience
if i didnt have problems with physical weakness and hyperhidrosis since forever, i definitely would've considered a job like this more seriously (though tbh as long as my parents enabled unemployment i'd probably just stay that way). i worked in a sandwich shop for awhile while i still had my sandwich shop dream, but i found that that type of work was just... way too much for me over time, unfortunately. sweating way more than other people is just an unpleasant thing to deal with; i could deal with it if it were a necessity, but given my degrees of freedom, i can't bring myself to go there except as a last resort.
I tend to think that "becoming an artist" is just the most palatable "default" option for you and that even going to Stanford for creative writing won't necessarily give you the drive that you seem to crave in your life. You barely know what you want out of life because you've been opting out of it for so long.
that was me 2-3 years ago when i planned to apply to this thing the first time. i'd like to think i've grown since then, but it could've been insufficient growth. i feel like i'm much more able to carry the mindset "i can just do this if i just grit my teeth and sit down and stop fucking whining and making excuses" than 2-3 years ago, but again, it still might not be enough right now. being a professional artist is fucking hard. ability for raw output aside, i might not be as clever/interesting as i hope i am.
i have a b.a. in physics to kinda fall back on and i could always pursue grad school for stats or something somewhat practical. there's lots of things i could do that could be somewhat interesting to me and definitely structured enough to not make it to difficult stay the course.
but i wanna follow my dreaaaaaaaaaaaaam right now even if i'm wrong about what my dream is.
i really appreciate the effort you put into sticking it out in this exchange with me. i really understand where you're coming from, and i'm not going to claim any sort of highground for picking this sort of path over the sort of path you advocate. it's way more self-serving, juvenile, and idealistic. there's nothing about it that's better per se, except in the eyes of my own ego and ideas about my own potential.
i won't even feel any bitterness towards you if you end up being right and i get your voice in my head i-told-you-soing me in 2 or 3 or 5 years. i'd just be mad at myself, but that's my own issue to deal with.
i suspect the way i structured this blog might've emphasized the negatives too strongly
i didn't really make this clear enough, but over time, i've managed to mitigate a lot of the long-term negative effects, particularly regarding idealistic/esoteric/useless thoughts and complacency, and i've become more self-aware of such issues while both high and sober. i think i've been making progress towards the end of minimizing certain undesirable effects of long term usage just through recognition, metacognition, and techniques to snap me into doing what i want to do when i realize i'm doing something i don't want to do. i dont know to what extent i can progress in this regard, but it's something i'm continuing to work on.
of course i still indulge myself in just letting a high take over and amuse me sans productivity or enrichment way too often... but as long as i recognize that more and more and keep pushing back... hopefully...
I recommend you start working, at least part time. It's hard to gain a well rounded perspective on life without having done some menial labor. Absorb these experiences and write about them. It is painfully obvious when writers are disconnected from the world they write about. Also having money in your pocket that you can call your own is empowering.
How do you know that the next hurdle on your way to becoming a writer isn't going to be the end of it all? Working past certain obstacles, even though they may be distasteful, is part of growing up. The mind is conditioned to give up early to keep the body intact. Just push through it for a couple of months. See where it gets you.
this question was actually answered but fucking nothing until september
so yea
ill be in japan june-sept tho doing mostly fucking nothing (read: trying to prudently use what little unrestrained time left i have to crank out attempts at good fiction) but also planning outings
On April 14 2016 15:44 SpiritoftheTunA wrote: sorry i don't want to seem like i have high standards for comments, and i will field any questions no matter how simple, but i just can't stand when i put effort into something and ppl only have some trivial joke to make or comment indicating only that they werent interested (being surprised i was married was excusable). comments like that feel like an ugly waste of space and just bother me.
Ya it was totally a trivial joke and this is not the place for it. That edit was an honest "I have reconsidered whether it is a good idea to make this post," not snide commentary.
I really enjoyed it and I think you would find it interesting. The conversations in this thread reminded me of the book.
(Keep in mind it's quite dense, long and has a pretty obnoxious plot. But the ideas discussed are interesting and the characters themselves are quite fun.)
On April 15 2016 01:52 SpiritoftheTunA wrote: as for why i actually wrote this blog in particular
it's something i wanted to write for awhile in general and is one piece among many pieces of writing i'd like to do
it was catalyzed by a comment in my last blog asking why i was high for that lecture
funny thing is, prof. nesson definitely gets high every day and seemed high during that lecture... he's a stoner xd
sry for the xd's its exhausting trying to remain serious for so long sometimes; im addicted to that ironic humor. a common vice in the anglosphere.
haha tuna nice blog.
I'd like to say that tuna you are still young so better not limit yourself into 'smoking weed is the da best' kind of mindset.
Is like alcohol, when people are very young they just want the alcohol molecules in alcoholic drinks, and then when you get older you start to learn about different kind of drinks that suit you/you appreciate more, and then most importantly when you realize good company to enjoy drinking with are so hard to come by but when that happens it is the best (ie people comes first, alcohol comes second).
And when you are speaking of 'getting stoned', it is very different from getting 'high' haha, from what I know is that over here (UK) the weed are mostly near 50-50 mix. I mean, ya, you might want to explore more about weed (or any other substances *cough*) if you truly enjoying weed/getting stoned/high. But I have to say under one big condition though, you are fully responsible for any actions you take, you need to know what you are doing, and most importantly by all means you have all the rights to enjoy life to its fullest.
On April 15 2016 08:51 Bswhunter wrote: Have you read Infinite Jest OP?
I really enjoyed it and I think you would find it interesting. The conversations in this thread reminded me of the book.
(Keep in mind it's quite dense, long and has a pretty obnoxious plot. But the ideas discussed are interesting and the characters themselves are quite fun.)
yea i read it a few years back its one of my favorites
pseudointellectual dumbfucks like me love that kinda shit
er im not calling u a pseudointellectual dumbfuck; i was just called that recently so its still funny to me
On April 15 2016 05:04 Spicy_Curry wrote: I recommend you start working, at least part time. It's hard to gain a well rounded perspective on life without having done some menial labor. Absorb these experiences and write about them. It is painfully obvious when writers are disconnected from the world they write about. Also having money in your pocket that you can call your own is empowering.
like i said, im having my mom cut me off in september, and due to circumstances involving travel, it'd be rather inconvenient to try to get a job until then
idk if you've noticed but i'm already "disconnected" from the world i write about, and i always will be. i'd rather put it like i have an incredibly idiosyncratic connection to the world.
i've worked a job before, even if super briefly. i know the feeling.
ive had so many ideas for writing that i've tried to think about and evaluate in terms of commercial viability (though this evaluation itself is already half-"selling out" and i have some ideas for which i don't want commercial viability to matter at all)... i generally already keep "relate-ability" and groundedness as criteria to keep in mind for evaluating such ideas... but thx for the reminder